by desing | Faith & Purpose
“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
– Brene Brown
I like this quote by Brene Brown, as it depicts shame as something that has the ability to slowly suffocate and damage an individual’s soul, as well as potential. Shame is oftentimes hidden deep under layers of thoughts and emotions and can quietly suck the life and energy out of those who don’t recognize it or know how to contend with it.
Shame vs. Guilt
Oftentimes people confuse shame with guilt, but there is a big difference between the two. Guilt is a negative feeling about something that you did. Shame is a negative feeling about who you are. If you are feeling guilty, you are thinking, “I did something bad.” If you are feeling shameful, you are thinking, “I am bad.”
Shame is a very natural emotion and it is common to everyone. Physiologically, when you feel ashamed you may blush, sweat, and your heart rate may increase. Normally one can experience a feeling of shame and overcome that shame easily if she has a decent amount of self love. Although, if unattended or if you have never learned how to cope with the feeling, it can lead to feelings of unworthiness, guilt, a sense of being damaged, and so on.
Unconscious thoughts held due to hidden shame.
“What you think, you are.” I like this quote because it is dead on. Thoughts matter. How do you know if you are walking around with hidden shame? If you are, you will continually be thinking thoughts like these:
“I am not important.”
“I am a failure.”
“I am not worthy of love or anything.”
“I am unlovable.”
“Something is wrong with me.”
These negative thoughts and feelings about the core self can lead to all sorts of negative conditions and behaviors, such as low self-esteem, depression, codependence, addiction, rage, and more. It can stunt growth in every area of your life: emotionally, psychologically, financially, socially, and spiritually.
The chronic sense of unworthiness we carry due to shame.
Walking around with toxic, chronic shame is very painful. Whether it was caused by a dysfunctional childhood family life, an abusive partner, or unfortunate situations that occurred in life, it can be extremely debilitating and rob you of joy, peace, and success. If you are ashamed of who you are and carry this sense of unworthiness, your relationships will suffer, you will isolate, be emotionally dead, question your identity, you will think that things can never get better, and you will cut yourself short on so many levels.
If you hold onto your shame and keep it hidden, you imprison yourself and never get a glimpse of your beautiful, authentic self. It is important to be able to feel free to be vulnerable, with all of your flaws and character defects.
Steps to heal shame and live free.
Be encouraged friends, because there is hope in overcoming shameful feelings. Here are some tips to help you get on the path to overcoming chronic shame.
- Acknowledge that you are wounded and experiencing shame.
- Get a counselor or join a support group in which you can talk freely. Experts say that when we talk about our shameful feelings, those feelings of shame lose their power.
- Forgive those that have hurt you. Let go of any resentments.
- Remove yourself from situations or people that treat you badly.
- Read up on the topic of shame. Begin with, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw, and Healing Your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to Help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame by Beverly Engel.
- Realize that everyone makes mistakes, but YOU are not a mistake.
- Establish a healthy balance in relationships of independence and interdependence.
Overcoming shame is possible and as you do so you will notice your life transforming right before your eyes. Peace will replace turmoil, joy will replace depression, hope will replace hopelessness, and a feeling of worthiness will replace that nasty feeling of worthlessness.
In closing, remember this:
You are important.
You are a success.
You are worthy of unconditional love.
You are lovable.
You are inherently good.
You have incredible potential.
by desing | Faith & Purpose
I love this quote by Wayne Dyer: “Self-worth comes from one thing- thinking that you are worthy.”
The level of your self-worth will affect so many areas of your life: your relationships, career, aspirations, spirituality, etc. Most women struggle with insecurity at one time or another, but it is important to be able to understand how the lack of feeling confident can affect your life.
To be insecure means that you lack confidence in one or more areas of your life. To come to a point of becoming less insecure and more confident, it will take a commitment to honestly look at your core beliefs and take steps to change them. You must take responsibility for your power, confidence level, and potential. After all, you have immense potential to be and do anything you want in life!
Insecurity can affect your relationships, career potential, growth level, and more. Here are some tips for you to consider in order to free yourself from little to big insecurities that you may be holding onto.
Surrender to the truth. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Surrender to the truth that you are responsible for how you feel. Don’t put the blame on your dysfunctional childhood, rude partner, bad luck, etc. If you carry around the victim mentality, you will continue to struggle with insecurities and your personal and professional growth will be stunted emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
Allow healing to begin. Most likely you have insecurities because of unfortunate situations or hurtful things that happened to you in the past. You may have been hurt emotionally by a family member or spouse. Maybe the kids at school made fun of you. Perhaps your friends let you down. Think about the things that happened to you that made you begin to feel sad, fearful, or angry.
Process the feelings, forgive anyone who needs forgiven, and let the negative emotions go. Allow healing to begin in your heart. You must let go of the past and the negative feelings associated with it if you want to experience freedom and more confidence. As you do, you will begin to feel happier and more confident.
Change your thought pattern. A belief is just a thought that you keep thinking. Do you believe that you are unworthy of success? Do you believe that people don’t love you? That you’ll never get ahead? That you’re too damaged, too shy, too lazy, too unfortunate, or too late to find happiness and success in life? All of those beliefs you have owned because of the negative thoughts you’ve been thinking up until this day.
If you’re experiencing insecurities such as fear and doubt, you are surely thinking fearful and doubtful thoughts. You must change your thought pattern to break free from such insecurities. Changing your thought pattern is easier than you think. Take a couple of days and monitor your thought life. Take note of your negative thoughts. Write them down and then cross them out and replace with a positive thought that counteracts the negative one.
If you tend to think:
“I’ll never get that promotion”, cross it out and write, “That promotion is mine!”
If you think, “I’ll never find a guy that will love me”, cross it out and write, “I am beautiful and lovable. What guy wouldn’t want to be with me?”
Every time you catch a negative thought coming into your mind, mentally shout, “Stop!” and recite the positive affirmation out loud. Do this over and over until positive thinking becomes habitual for you. Doing so will certainly help you to overcome your insecurities.
Be proactive in raising your self-esteem. If you have some insecurities, you’re self-esteem is lacking. Make a commitment to become more confident by engaging in behaviors and activities that accomplish this.
If you want to be more confident in your career, take time every day to invest in becoming an expert in your field. As you do, you will be less insecure and more confident. You can also change up your business wardrobe, as dressing to impress actually increases your confidence level and other people will look at you as more professional.
If you want to be more confident in your relationship, be sure to discuss all issues honestly and openly with your partner. Set appropriate boundaries. If you are wrestling with things like jealousy or the fear of abandonment, do some research on these topics and allow relationship experts to teach you how to be your best in a relationship.
Visualize rock solid confidence. Visualization is a powerful tool that you can use to become the confident person that you desire to be. Many successful men and women have envisioned their success long before it manifested. Mental imagery is an easy avenue to create forward momentum to becoming all that you want to be.
See yourself confident, abundantly happy, peaceful, thriving, advancing in your career, experiencing financial abundance, and in relationship harmony with everyone. Do this as often as you’d like- in the morning, at the office, sitting on your porch, and while you lie in bed at night.
Remember, what you think and see in your mind becomes a reality. Think positive thoughts and see your desired results NOW. As you continually do these, you will be able to say goodbye to insecurity and hello to sweet confidence- and that is something to smile about.
About the Author
Dominica Applegate is a self-employed writer who loves to write about mental health, relationships, success principles, spirituality, and fitness. Merging a BS in Psychology, MA in Counseling, and fifteen years’ experience as a mental health professional, she’s gained a great deal of experience helping others reach their full potential. She is the founder of Extreme Life Potential blog, which is dedicated to encouraging, motivating, and empowering others to reach their full potential by redefining who they are from the inside out.
by desing | Faith & Purpose
Your true purpose is knocking on the door. Will you let it in?
Whether you realize it on a conscious level or not, life is always handing you opportunities – but what you choose to do with it all depends on you. Do you fear the unknown, or are you willing you take the plunge? Will you accept another ‘comfortable’ job offer (just like every other job offer you’ve taken in the past) or will you seek out unfamiliar territory, listen to your gut, and live the highest and happiest life possible?
Will you let your current career establish your true calling for you, or will you dictate what you’re meant to really, truly do for others, and for the world?
It’s all up to you. It’s all in your hands, and should you go for the gold in your life – your true life calling – you’ll discover the new ‘you’ that’s been in hiding all this time. It could be that for years and years, as you suffer through an unchallenging, comfortable, and monotonous job which pays your bills (but doesn’t provide much else), you dream of a career that is creative, intellectually stimulating and full of adventure. Whatever that may be – a brave new career in fashion, becoming a cookbook photographer, or traveling the world as a travel writer – know this: it’s possible because you have all the talent, passion and desire to make it so.
So what are you waiting for?
Here’s how to dive right into 2013 (without wasting another second!) and live out your highest purpose to land the career of your dreams. Apply these three tips to discover where your talents really lie (and chances are, there are many talents you possibly never knew you had), how to leverage them to make a living, and how to exist outside-of-the-comfort-box.
- 1. Think with your ‘gut, not your brain. There’s a trick that millionaires and some of the most successful CEO’s, Presidents and world leaders use on a daily basis to make accurate decisions in business, and in life: They think intuitively.
When is the last time you stopped thinking exclusively about an upcoming important decision you had to make intellectually, and thought with your gut? Women are naturally born with a sixth sense, and while everyone has the ability to tap into their inner wisdom, many women have a stronger sense of what’s right or wrong than men do. So use it, and as a result, develop a higher sense of what your true purpose is.
We’re all faced with decisions, and sometimes we have so many of them to make, it can feel like we constantly doubt ourselves. When is the best time to talk to my boss about my yearly evaluation? How do I possibly switch careers at this point in the game? What action can I take to prove to my supervisor I’m capable of a more challenging workload to demonstrate my capabilities?
Whatever decision you have to make – and there’s dozens a day – you have the opportunity to stop, listen to the whispers of your ‘gut’ and take action on it. Here’s a tip: Ask yourself what the right action to take, in fact, is. If you think about choosing ‘A’, do you feel anxious, nervous, and stressed? Then your body is giving you a clear “Red light! Don’t go!”
If you choose option ‘B’, and you feel relieved, calm and confident, then you have you answer: “Go! Now!” With practice steering away from thinking intellectually and responding instead to how your body feels, you’ll always make the right decision – in your relationships, in your communication with the power players of your life, and especially within the scope of your true life’s work.
- Focus on thoughts of gratitude for what you want, as though you already have it. It doesn’t matter what you currently have, or don’t have in your life today. Act thankful for everything and everyone that have made their way into your life, and you’ll reap more prosperous opportunities for the future. It’s as true as the birds in the sky or that coffee cup sitting in front of you – when you send out thoughts of self-love, appreciation and gratitude for what you do have, you’ll reap more of the good stuff along the way.
Now, take it one step further. When you visualize what you do want in a career, an intimate relationship, or even how your upcoming meeting will go – as you want it to go and believe it can go, you’ll create a magical attraction to you, each and every day. It could be that you are sending your resume to a new company that you’re a perfect fit for, or you’re pitching your fictional story to a publisher.
Utilize the power of your imagination to believe that the end result is a phone call from that person telling you that not only do you have the job, but you are just the person they’ve been waiting for. The trick is to practice sending thoughts of gratitude for that dream job opportunity to appear in your life. Practice imagining what emotions you’ll feel as a result of doing the work you were born to do. How does it make you feel in that position – happy? Confident? Fulfilled? Practice holding onto these emotions in your mind daily, and your life will begin to bring them to you, as opposed to struggling to achieve it.
- Let go of your need to make others happy. Being a woman means that you’re made of sugar and spice, and everything nice…or so the nursery rhyme goes. But how can you make that work for you as a serious professional with a rare gift to offer the world that no one else can? You can be nice, sweet, and full of sugar and spice…but if you’re serious about developing a career utilizing your unique gifts and make a living from it, you’ll need to create strong, definite boundaries for yourself.
No matter what your true calling is, there will be someone along the way you may think differently. Maybe a potential investor won’t agree with your business plan, or a colleague will have something negative to say about your dream to become a muralist.
Develop a mindset as you endure the trial and error of your true life work by remembering this: What they have to say has nothing to do with you. As you remember that and keep pressing on, you’ll discover that not only will your true work begin to manifest into your life, but that your tough boundaries have become part of who you are and long to be – a woman who doesn’t take “No!” from anyone. And as a result, you’ll become who you’ve always been and doing what you were born to do.
by desing | Faith & Purpose
Ask yourself something. Are you clear about your intentions about every goal, every mission that you have? Don’t feel bad if you don’t or if you realize that your intentions are not pure. That’s why it’s vital to live in the best consciousness of WHO you are so that you can then DO what you have been called to do.
We want you to live your life with clarity in your intention and your character. If you are character is flawed, what can happen is your talent may take you somewhere that you character can’t sustain you and nobody has the time for that. We encourage that you do the work in your character while intentionally building and embracing your legacy. That’s actually a HUGE chunk of why Embrace Her Legacy exists…we are here to teach.
With that, we want you to check out our Your Legacy section, Beauty & Style section and Enriched Life section. Each section has endless information to help you define your character, overcome your hurdles, embrace your beauty, be effective in your goals, discover purpose and so much more. In the meanwhile, know that you were divinely created with a purpose. And your purpose is something that you discover, it is when you use your natural gifts, talents and abilities to serve a human need…it’s not an event, it’s a lifelong journey.
by desing | Faith & Purpose
Stop and think about what an enriched, fulfilled life looks like to you. Is it an external or internal definition? Well, I am hoping that it’s definitely an internal process. Sometimes we can make the mistake of defining our happy with our circumstances and all things external. But true joy, happy and peace is something that comes from within. No matter how much exterior success you may have, if you are not whole within you, the success will never be enough.
I can literally write a sermon on living an enriched life (not that I am trying too LOL!) because I have been “doing the work” for some time now. Take a quick minute and think about your character, who are are, the things that only you and you talk about – the truth. Is there anything that you do not like or are afraid of? Of course, because we have all been there and we all have to continuously develop our character in order to become our best selves (well those of us that care to do so, I’m just saying!)
Part of Embrace Her Legacy’s mission is to teach women and girls how to become distinguished women in character, it can’t solely be about your accomplishments. Those things are great, but there is nothing more that I hate than meeting someone who has tons of success but has an unpleasant, suspect character.
That’s why we have created our Enriched Life section where we share information on defining your character, discovering your purpose, overcoming trials and how to be in the best relationship with yourself. Remember if there is something in your character that you desire to change, make sure you are willing to “do the work” to make the changes. Change is not an event, it’s a process.
by desing | Faith & Purpose
So many of us live in such a constant blur of stress and to do lists that we don’t really experience the days we go through, let alone take the time to appreciate all the good things we have in the midst of the stress and chaos. Keeping a gratitude list is a great way to remind yourself how good you’ve really got it, and to transform even the most frazzled and frustrated of moods into something positive.
How to Create Your Own List
There is no one way to create a gratitude list. Some people like to keep one running list they can carry in their wallet or tack up on the fridge to give them a boost whenever things start getting stressful. Other people like to write a new list each day to give themselves fresh perspective. Here are two of my favorite gratitude list rituals:
Bed-Time Gratitude
If you’re the sort that has trouble getting to sleep because your mind is racing with all the things you didn’t get done and all the things you’ll have to do the next day, this ritual is perfect for you. It’s like counting sheep, except every sheep is something lovely and uplifting that leaves you feeling relaxed and happy when you finally drift off to dreamland.
Each night, after you’ve turned off your light and nestled down under the covers, let your mind wander across all the things from the day that you’re grateful for. It could be anything from your family to the day’s warm weather to the parking space you got right in front of work—nothing is too big or too small. If one thing in particular really touches you, allow yourself to dwell on it and the happy feelings it evokes as long as you like. Focusing on positive thoughts as you fall asleep is a great way to quiet your mind, let go of the stress of the day, and wake up feeling refreshed and reenergized.
Wake-Up Gratitude
Many of us wake up with a laundry list of all the tasks we have to tackle already running through our heads. Instead of getting yourself worked up before you’re even out of bed, try this instead:
As you lay in bed, still all warm and cozy, think of 3 things—just 3 things—that you’re grateful to have in your life today. Your health. Your home. The yummy leftovers you have in the fridge from your favorite restaurant—again, nothing is too big or too small. In fact, including the “insignificant” things we have to be grateful for can open us up to realizing how many little opportunities we have to be happy throughout the day.
Retraining Your Mind (and Your Mood)
The simple truth is that the kind of day you have depends largely on the filter through which you view the world. By getting into the habit of looking for the things you have to be grateful for, you start to reframe your entire perspective. You begin to really appreciate your blessings instead of taking them for granted. You’re better able to handle stress and disappointment because you’re plugged in to just how much you have to be thankful for. You learn to look on the bright side of things.Give it a try yourself! I guarantee it will change the quality of your days for the better.
